My whole life I’ve been under the assumption that I’m an impatient person. Maybe it’s my Sagittariusness? Maybe it’s my impulsiveness and immaturity? I remember times of waiting to hear news of my grandfather’s health, or waiting for a job offer–when I really needed one. Waiting was so uncomfortable I could barely wear my own skin. I would pull oracle cards, or consult an intuitive, desperate for a peek into the future. Without fail, the cards would tell me to wait; That wisdom, or truth, or results would be revealed at the right time. I was told that my astrological chart had overall themes of “change” so, just get used to waiting, she said. 

I surrendered to this solitary truth: That I am a messy person, sentenced by The Gods to serve a life-sentence of impatience. 

Always with eyes on the future, it makes my challenge to simply Be. To BE is to be divinely feminine. Without competition, or proving, or busyness. That place in meditation where you forget that you’re meditating and the only thing that exists is the breath… So feminine. 

For the last 3 months, I have been with my son in his special education 4th grade class. He started suffering from anxiety and fear of separation in November, and with limited language his little mind turned it all into rage. The only way to get him to agree to go to school is if I went with him. In the beginning it was fun to be a part of his day. But, quickly saw that he wasn’t going to just let me leave – ever. I surrendered to the idea that I might need to get a job at the school, just so he would feel safe again. I was confident that home school would exacerbate the anxiety he was experiencing and could morph into trauma that could linger for years.

My clients and my healing practice paused. The idea that it might all be lost made me want to rage and scream. My teacher, Marin, asks “Is this a womb or a tomb?”… are you in a space of growth or are you dying? This became my mantra and prayer. I took a course on trauma response and applied for my son to be a part of an academic study on Autism and Anxiety. 

I truly saw my own womb and it looks like the inside of I Dream of Jeannie’s bottle. 

I started hearing – DAILY – from the teachers, aids, case workers, friends: YOU ARE SO PATIENT. Although I was stunned and surprised by this reflection, I had to agree. I am so loving and patient with my kids. And my friends. And my family. 

So, maybe I changed the story. Freeing myself from any definition. 

I can be impatient with things like passwords and minimal cell reception. I get impatient with too much doom and gloom without a silver lining. 

Patience is Love. Therefore, I cannot be without patience. Because it is an aspect of who I am. I am Love.